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Star War-ners (YodaJeff.com)

Star War-ners

Author Unknown

Animaniacs meet YODA

(Yoda stands at window of his little house)

Yoda: Hmmmm... new Jedis should be here by now. Late they are... very late.

(Yoda walks to his pot of porridge to scoop up a bowl when suddenly a big CRASH is heard outside. Yoda drops the bowl and runs outside)

(An X-Wing has crashed into a swamp and smoke is rising... then suddenly, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot come out in Star Wars costumes [Yakko - Luke white robe thingy, Wakko - Han Solo, Dot - Princess Leia].

The Animaniacs Exit [Moments after the Warners exit the craft, R2D2 jumps out, head spinning, and tweeting and beeping insanely. He spins his wheels, throwing dust, and disappears over the horizon.]

Dot: Way to go, Wakko.

Wakko: Me?! You tried to dress him up!

Dot: (screaming) You tried to eat him!!

Yoda: Jedis you are, yes?

[Warners leap up and give Yoda big, wet toon kisses. Simultaneously, they turn around in disgust, saying, "Ewww!"]

Yakko: You really should do something about that skin condition of yours.

Dot: And that outfit! Peee-yew!

[The sibs begin to give him a complete makeover. Immediately, a chair is whisked onstage, directly under Yoda. Yakko and Wakko begin applying a mud-pack, while Dot shuffles through a wardrobe. She chooses something, and rushes over to the chair, and a cloud of dust covers the commotion. When it clears, the Warners are standing around what appears to be Sean Connery.]

Dot: Hello, nurse!

Wakko: (Presents a mirror.) What do you think?

Yoda: (Admires the new look.) Hmm. Say, that's not too. . .Wait a minute! (Rips off makeup and starts screaming.) Much Jedi training to do! Foolishness stop it must!

Yakko: Sounds like you need some grammar training.

Yakko Starts Teaching [In a blur of motion, Warners set up a schoolhouse scene, with Yoda crunched behind a small desk, arms pinned down. He looks too stunned to do anything at the moment. Yakko and Wakko are seated beside him, and Dot takes the teacher's role.]

Dot: (holding textbook) There are two parts to every sentence. The first part is the subject. The second part is Subject II: Revenge of the Subject.

[Yoda turns red, steam comes out of his ears, etc. He bursts the desk apart, throws up his arms, and begins screaming. Cut to close-up of Warners, with pained expressions on their faces, and plugging their ears. We hear Yoda's voice in the background, rumbling loudly.]

Yakko: Well, at least he knows about interjections.

[Cut back to Yoda, jumping up and down, screaming.]

Yoda: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Much training to do! Training, training, training, training!

Yakko: Someone stop this man from yelling, "Training."

[A train rushes through and flattens Yoda.]

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (wave to animator) Thank you.

[Cut to inside of hut. Door opens, and Yoda enters, looking worn out, and Yakko, Wakko, and Dot follow.]

Yoda: Tired I am, and hungry. Eat first we will, and then continue training.

Wakko: I'm starved! What do you have to eat?

Yoda: Porridge. Plain and simple food Jedis eat. Build character it does.

[Wakko rushes over to fire, drinks all the porridge, and begins eating the pot. Yoda is stunned, and can do little else but stare with his jaw dropped.]

Yakko: Ahhhh, looks like we'll have to get something else. Any votes?

[Cut to Dot.]

Dot: Something fancy, by romantic candlelight!

[Pan to Wakko.]

Wakko: Anything! Except porridge. (Makes a gookie.)

[Pan to Patrick Stewart, in Star Trek: The Next Generation uniform and holding a steaming cup.]

Stewart: Tea, earl gray, hot.

Yakko: Wrong show, bub.

[Wakko snatches the tea and drinks it. Yakko boots Stewart offstage. Cut to Wakko, sitting on floor, looking thoughtful.]

Wakko: What do we eat? (Pauses. Suddenly, an idea hits him.) I know!

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: Pizza!

[Cut to Yoda, who has by now been quite reduced to a passive lump. He is sitting under the phone. Wakko climbs up and stands on top of Yoda's head to reach the phone. He takes the receiver and begins dialling.]

Wakko: Yes, I'd like a dozen extra large pizzas sent to Yoda's hut on the swamp planet, Dagobah. (pauses, listening to phone) Give 'em the works! (pauses) Just a minute. (bends over to achieve eye contact with Yoda) Do you have a credit card? (Yoda fishes through his pocket and hands it to him) Thanks! (resumes talking into the phone) All right, 5378 89. . .

[Yoda is suddenly hit by reality. He grabs the phone from Wakko.]

Yoda: (into phone) Cancel that order! (to Warners) Naughty little children you are! (to Yakko) Misbehaving little snot you are, encourage the others you do to act like delinquents! (to Dot) Question my grammar do not! (to Wakko) And you, never you should, NEVER EVER you should, GIVE MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER OVER THE PHONE!!!!! (He breathes heavily for a moment, and slowly calms down.) Training stop here and now, it will. Refuse do I to try any further. (Turns his back on them, folds his arms, and sticks his nose in the air with his eyes closed. Warners look hurt, and tears come to their eyes.)

[Obi-Wan Kenobi appears out of thin air.]

Obi-Wan: Yoda. . .

Yoda: Obi-Wan Kenobi, old friend! Come to help me you do. Sound advice I require. (cups hand beside mouth to keep Warners from hearing, and speaks quietly) How do I get rid of these kids?

Obi-Wan: Yoda, it is difficult for new Jedis to learn. Remember when you were training me. I did not respond well at first, either.

Yoda: Yes, remember do I. (looks annoyed) Tied my shoelaces together, you did, and laxative you put in my porridge.

Yakko: (to Wakko and Dot) Remember that last one for future reference. (Wakko and Dot acknowledge, smiling.)

Obi-Wan: Besides, I've enjoyed watching this. I haven't laughed so hard in millenia! Continue the training Yoda, I implore you, for the future of the rebellion.

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (Dancing in circles around Yoda) Yes, please? Continue the training. Please, please, please?

Yoda: (sighs) Very well. On with the training!

[Yakko, Wakko, and Dot cheer as they jump out of the way, just clearing a train, which again flattens Yoda.]

[Cut to forest. Warners are sitting on a log, facing Yoda.]

Yoda: The Force is everywhere. From this tree, to that rock. From the sky to the ground. . .

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (singing) From sea to shining sea!

Yoda: Enough! May The Force be with you. Practice saying that you must. Very important. Yakko, start you will.

Yakko: (standing by a very old-looking horse, flies buzzing around) May the horse be with you!

Yoda: Grrrr. Wakko?

Wakko: (standing by some guy) May Dash Morse be with you!

Yoda: Huh?

Wakko: (to Dash) Let me introduce you to my sister. (He ushers Dash over to Dot, and they shake hands.) Dot, Dash. Dash, Dot.

Dot: (disgusted) Oh. I get it. It's a Morse Code gag. Ha, ha. Very funny.

Yoda: No, no, no! Foolishness stop now it must! Prepared you must be for the confrontation with. . .(gasps, seeing something off-camera) DARTH WAITER!

[Fast pan to Darth Waiter. He is in a fancy waiter-type suit, with a white towel draped over his arm. He is wearing a Darth Vader helmet.]

Darth Waiter: May I take your order, please? Hahahahahahahaha!

Yakko: (to Yoda) Who is that?

Yoda: Dark side of The Force, he is. My student he used to be, until he turned to the forces of evil. (looks annoyed) Had a part time job at a local restaurant, he did, and gave me escargots when I ordered ribeye. Knows I can't digest the stuff, he does.

Darth: (draws light-saber) Prepare to meet your doom, Jedis!

[Suddenly, R2D2 comes screaming out of the distance, and knocks Darth Waiter on the ground. Darth Waiter loses his light-saber, and R2D2 collapses into a pile of spare parts. When Warners approach, he quickly rematerializes, shivers in fear, and heads off again in the opposite direction. Warners stand over Darth Waiter, angry.]

Darth: Before you send me to my demise, I want you to know. . .I'm, um, I'm, yeah! I'm your father! That's it!

The Animaniacs Get an Idea Yakko: Ahhhhh, I don't think so.

Wakko: I heard you were a giant chicken. (Brief clip from Chicken Boo theme song plays in background.)

Yakko: Impossible!

Dot: Get real!

Wakko: That's what I heard.

Yakko: There's only one way to find out.

[Yakko removes the helmet to reveal. . .]

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: Ed Asner!

Asner: I ALWAYS have to play the bad guy! (Snatches helmet back from Yakko and walks offstage, disgusted.)

Yoda: Completed your quest you have. Finished is your training. Now, into your spaceship you must get, and fly out of here as fast as possible!

Yakko: Oh, no! We've just started!

Dot: We just got our schedules back for next semester. We've signed up for Advanced Jedi Training 102!

[Yoda stares for a moment. He twitches. He chuckles. Suddenly, he begins raving, doing cartwheels, etc. Warners watch him as he disappears over he horizon, then turn to camera and shrug, smiling. Fade out.]

(END)

 
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