The New Kid in School
By: Jeff Kleinow (YodaJeff)
I was sitting in English class and couldnít help but notice the new kid. His name was Yoda, and he was just over two feet tall. Yoda was green and had enormous ears. My English teacher started to talk about what we were going to do today. He began by going through the previous dayís homework. He was about to assign us homework when Yoda raised his hand, showing that he had a question. "Yes, Yoda?" my teacher said, wondering what the new kid wanted.
"Homework there will not be," replied Yoda.
"There will be no homework," responded my teacher, as if he was under a spell.
The bell rang, and I realized Yoda got us out of homework for that class. As I walked out of class, I noticed Yoda floating down the hall! Yes, he was somehow floating above everyoneís head. I guess that was better than having to walk on the ground where he would often get bumped into.
Yoda was also in my Math class. There was a kid in my Math class, Dan, who kept annoying Yoda and wouldnít leave him alone. "How ya doiní shorty?" he would torment, "Nice elf ears." I tried to help out the new kid by telling Dan to be quiet and leave him alone. He kept disturbing Yoda, and also threw in some comments about me. Yoda was quite disturbed by now, and decided to fight back.
Yoda closed his eyes in thought, and held out his arm. Suddenly, Dan appeared to be choking, and it looked like Yoda was doing it by thought. A few seconds later, Yoda opened his eyes and put down his arm, and Dan stopped choking.
After school, I went home and told my family about the new kid. They thought he sounded like a nice kid. At night, I laid in bed and wondered what Yoda would do the following day.
The next day, I walked into English to see Yoda sitting in his seat, copying down the daily agenda and responding to the quote. I noticed that he was wearing a football jersey, so he must be on the team. After a couple minutes, Yoda got up to sharpen his pencil. Since I sat near the pencil sharpener, I asked if he needed help. He said no.
Yodaís pencil floated up to the sharpener, and went in. Then the handle started to spin around, and his pencil came out sharp. "Why you stare at me?" Yoda asked.
"No particular reason," I replied. My English teacher had us put our pencils down and we started going over some grammar. Yoda must have been bored because he looked like he was about to fall asleep. As the teacher started to show some examples on the chalkboard, Yoda closed his eyes and concentrated. The hair on the back of my teacherís head started changing colors, and it was fluttering around as if there was a strong wind. Everyone started laughing, and when the teacher turned around to see what was so funny, Yoda started paying attention and stopped playing with the teacherís hair. Later, when I asked how he did those strange things, he replied that he was a "Jedi" who used the "Force" to make them happen.
Math class was pretty normal. Dan seemed to obey better than he ever had before. He must have been afraid of Yoda. After class ended, Yoda walked out the door and once again he floated down the hallway.
That evening, I went to the football game to see if Yoda was any good. I also wanted to see my other classmates play. Yoda was a running back. I figured that with his short legs, he wouldnít be very fast. I was right. There was a hand off to Yoda, and in a jiffy, a hole opened up. Yoda ran through the hole, and the line held their opponents off better than they ever had before. Yoda got through the hole, and one of the inside linebackers tripped, missing Yoda. The other one ran the opposite way, thinking the ball was going in the other direction. Yoda ran the ball 84 yards for a touchdown. Needless to say, we won that game, and we won big.
The next day in English, we got to do group work. Yoda was in my group, and the teacher seemed to agree with everything Yoda said. We got an A on the assignment, and we deserved it.
A couple of weeks later, report cards came out. I got a 3.9, with only one A-. I congratulated myself on a job well done. Yoda got a 4.0 with straight Aís. He got all the best comments to go along with his best grades. Yoda was walking out of Math class, when Danís wallet chain accidentally smacked him in the back of the head. Yoda must have been in a bad mood for some reason, and his head must have really hurt because he started making anything and everything start flying towards Dan. Chairs, desks, pop machines, globes, you name it, it was hitting Dan.
Yoda was restrained by the principals, and Dan was hospitalized. The principals issued rule 3479B. The rule stated that nobody could use the "Force" to assist themselves in any way. The rule was nicknamed "The Yoda Rule" by students.
Yodaís life changed dramatically by this new rule. He could no longer float himself around, so he had to walk. That meant that he was often bumped into, and he got injured. Yoda had to climb up the mountainous stairs, because he couldnít gradually float up the slope.
Every day we had English homework, since Yoda couldnít use the Jedi mind trick to talk our teacher out of it. On his way home from school, dogs would chase him and cats would want to play with him. Without practicing the Force at school, he couldnít keep them away as well as he could have before.
I asked Yoda how his life was different since he couldnít use the Force at school. "To reach doorknobs, jump I have to," he replied, "get a drink I cannot, too high are the drinking fountains and water comes out too fast. Go to the bathroom I cannot, they arenít made for two footers. I canít put money in the pop machines, too high up it is."
"Well, canít someone put the money in for you?" I asked.
"Yes, but I can only reach bottom flavor, always stuck with pink lemonade, am I," he responded.
"Wow," I replied, "that must really stink."
"That not the worst part," he said, "Type with three fingers, you cannot."
"I will try, though I admit it would be hard."
"Do. Or do not. There is no try," said Yoda in an effective voice. After those comments, I felt really bad for Yoda and decided that I needed to do something, but I didnít know what I could do to help him.
Then it dawned on me, I would get a petition signed and try to get Yoda another chance with the Force. I kept the thought to myself, afraid others would think it was a bad idea.
The next week, we got another report card. I got another 3.9, with the A- in a different class. I asked Yoda what he got, and he said he had all Fís. I looked at his report card, and it was true.
"How did that happen?" I asked.
"Pass gym I didnít. Basket I could not make. Teacher of English said bad grammar have I, fix it, I need to. Type I cannot, with three fingers. Pass computers I donít. Biology book too heavy to carry, it weighs more than I do. Lose points, I do for not bringing it with me. History teacher canít read my handwriting, too small he says. I donít write big, I only write small. Dan bugs me in math, concentrate I cannot. Cannot stop him or hear teacher, understand I donít."
The next day, I decided something had to be done. I went to English class, and my teacher announced to the class that Yoda moved away. I donít know what ever happened to Yoda, but I hope he went somewhere where he could freely use the Force. Iím sure thatís not the last weíll hear of this bizarre being.
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