Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
If Yoda was Forrest Gump or Forrest Gump was Yoda:
"There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate..."
Top Ten Yoda Thoughts
10. I should make my own line of ear muffs.
9. Maybe I should get some platforms.
8. I wonder why TY didn't make a Beanie Babie out of me.
7. Miss Piggy, her voice is so familiar...
6. Why didn't I get a lightsaber? I can handle it!
5. I wish I was tall enough to get into R-rated movies.
4. Stupid Weird Al. I didn't get one cent from his parody of me!
3. I'm cuter than ET! Aren't I? Come on!
2. Dang Luke Skywalker. Takes all the credit just because he's younger.
1. That Posh Spice is one hot babe!
Top 3 Yoda E-Mail Adresses
5 Reasons Why Yoda Went Over the Edge
5) He gets excited staring into a flashlight.
Top Ten more toys not to be made
10. Super-whizz Chewbacca
9. C-3PO in Patented "Shut up fag" gear
8. Nien Numb with kissing booth
7. Bantha Pudu 3-Pack:Bantha, Tusken Raider, Tusken Raider with Pooper scooper
6. Stripping Bib Fortuna (Ugh!!)
5. Han Solo's Dog in Hyperspace
4. Yoda with an A in English
3. Jabba the Hutt on a Weight Lose Program
2. Joh Yowza and Sy Snootles on plastic surgery
1.Luke Skywalker on drugs in a lightsaber duel
HOOKED ON DAGOBAHNICS - Worked for us, it did!
"Help you I can, yes! Hmmm!"
Top Ten Additions to The Empire Strikes Back: The Ultimate Edition.
10. Scenes involving Yoda's addiction to chili cheese fries and Sprite.
9. Lando downing booze with Boba Fett and Lobot and then spouting a rousing rendition of "Two Tickets to Paradise".
8. Luke making snow angels on Hoth.
7. Space Slug/Mara love scene.
6. Darth Vader chokes himself.
5. Luke's hand gets chopped off in super slow-mo.
4. Leia wears a sombrero throughout the movie.
3. Han doesn't survive the carbonite process, but then the frozen Han slowly holds up a sign saying "Gotcha!"
2. Yoda playing baseball with his Gimer Stick.
1. Stupid, pointless screams added in.
"Signs You've Seen the Star Wars Movies Too Many Times"
As presented on the 02/21/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Your poodles are named "C", "3", "P", and "O"
8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca
7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions without consulting Mark Hamill
5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid"
4. You spend most of your days trying to use "The Force" to open a can of pears.
3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and almost had a heart attack.
1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot
I realise this is missing some, but I don't know what they are. The List I got these from didn't have them either.
"Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars"
As presented on the 01/31/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner
9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
8. Land speeders replaced with pink Miatas
7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy
6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
5. Instead of "May the force be with you", Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"
4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather
3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons
1. R2D2? Gay
Star Wars / Taco Bell Commercial:
-A commercial has Yoda saying, "How you get so big eating food of this kind!", then takes Luke to his house, which has been converted to a Taco Bell restaurant.
THINGS NOT TO BUY IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE
- Any property on Dagobah
- Grammar lessons from Yoda
- A fishing license on Dagobah
- A book titled: "Yoda's Favorite Recipies"
Star Wars Bumper Sticker:
"Yoda School of Grammar Graduate, I Am!"
Top Ten Ripoffs of Star Wars Characters
10. Yoda. . . Ross Perot
9. Han Solo. . . Indiana Jones
8. C3PO. . . Jean Luc Picard
7. Grand Moff Tarkin . . . Bill Clinton
6. Blasters. . . .44 Magnums
5. Death Star. . . The MOON
4. X-Wing Star Fighter's . . . F15s (Jets)
3. Lightsaber. . . Flashlights
2. R2D2. . . Any All-Purpose machine
1. Jabba The Hut. . . Slugs
Luke: "Are Coca-Cola brand products stronger?"
Yoda: "No... but more caffinated, they are. Once you take a sip of them, down a sugary path you will go."
Top Ten Reasons Why Luke Left In The Middle Of His Training:
10. Dagobah sucks
9. He didn't want to have his training all in one movie.
8. He wasn't SURE he wanted to be part of the light side.
7. He had to go to dinner.
6. Daddy said so.
5. Seeing his head in Darth Vader's helmet scared the heck out of him.
4. He couldn't stand upside down with a little green dude on his feet all day.
3. Who cares about moving rocks?
2. He thought if he saved his friends, he could tell Yoda, "I told you so."
1. He never wanted training, he just needed to get his ship out of the swamp.
Top 10 Gripes of Yoda:
10. The rollercoaster I cannot ride.
9. Luke's whining I must put up with.
8. Like Grover I talk.
7. Levitate X-wing fighters I can but on Dagobah I am stuck.
6. Voice of Obi-wan's keeps bugging me it does.
5. Little girls pick me up and me they hug. Degrading it is.
4. The better-looking female Skywalker I never got to meet.
3. "Hooked on Phonics" commercials I audition for, talke me they will not.
2. At malls, during Christmas season, ask me, people do, if a low-quality tickle-me elmo doll I am, and how much do I cost.
AND THE #1 GRIPE THAT YODA HAS IS:
1. Stop, my grandma will not from pinching my cheeks, although 900 years old I am. (more wrinkles it gives me).
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YODA WENT OFF THE DEEP END SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10: He reverses sentence structures.
9: He seems to talk to thin air, then claims he was talking to a dead guy named Kenobi.
8: For Pete's sake, he lives in a swamp!!
7: He chews on Gimer sticks.
6: He likes to stare into flashlights.
5: He likes to goad his students into whining.
4: He commands his students to stand on their heads and lift rocks, confusing the insects.
3: He yells funny. I think that's proof, don't you think so, Mr Roachhead? *insane grin and crazy laugh*
2: He tells everyone there's no difference between lifting a rock by telekenesis and lifting an X-Wing by telekenessis.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YODA WENT OFF THE DEEP END SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE TESB IS-
1: Seven words, "MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!"
Top ten scenes they decided to cut out of Star Wars, even for the Special Edition.....
10. Darth gets in touch with his feminine side.
9. The emperor looks into a mirror.
8. Luke goes through puberty.(Decided it shouldn't happen until he is 35. Can't wait for the sequels! 7....8...9)
7. C-3PO and R2-D2 share an intimate moment.
6. R2 speaks!
5. Yoda putting on his facial cream
4. Obi-Wan getting high.
3. Boba Fett without his mask. (Those idiots!)
2. Obi-Wan's saber failing to ignite in the Cantina and Luke meets his maker. (Darn!)
AND THE # 1 CLIP THEY DECIDED NOT TO SHOW IS............
1. Darth Vader trying to go to the bathroom. (Where the heck is the zipper anyways?)
THE TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN IN A MOVIE THAT CHANGES SCI-FI MOVIES FOREVER.
10.Don't wear foot thick helmets just to hit your head on a halfway open door.
9.Farm boys should remember the characters name and not the real name.
8.Annoying trash can shaped robots isn't good to eat half an hour before swimming.
7.If you have a bad feeling about something say it once.
6.Puppets don't make good things to shoot (Greedo in ANH).
5.If something smells bad don't jump into it you'll probobly be crushed.
4.It is smarter to make the good guys smart enough to think if the weapon is built it's operational (Death Star 2 in ROTJ).
3.Puppets can't teach the force (Yoda in ESB & ROTJ).
2.Wear camoflaghed suits in a forest instead of white (Stormtrooprers in ROTJ).
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING NOT TO DO WHEN IN A MOVIE THAT CHANGES SCI-FI MOVIES FOREVER.
1.Don't fart and wave the air behind your butt so it doesn't smell so bad right after your rebel base is hit and crumbling rocks fall right in front of you on your way to take a princess to her transport (Han in the echo base in ESB).
Top Ten New Scenes from the Updated Versions of StarWars Trilogy.
10. After being refused to go to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters,Luke decides to get drunk and waste a few Jawas
9. Lando and Darth Vader seen drinking Colt 45's after their little truce to keep the Empire off Lando's back.
8. Scene in which Boba Fett's helmet is taken off and it is revealed to be a young Pauly Shore.
7. Instead of Saving Luke's butt in the first assault on the Death Star, Han was originally watching the Super Bowl in his Millineum Falcon.
6. A touching scene in which R2-D2 proclaims his love for a trash compactor.
5. Han at one point asks Chewie if he thinks the Millineum Falcon can be fixed, Chewie answers, "No sir, I don't like it"
4. Luke eats it in a Speeder Bike Crash.
3. Yoda claims Twinkies are the cornerstone for any Jedi's breakfast.
2. Lando get's killed (Just for you Lando killers)
1. Darth Vader Sexually harasses a female Stormtrooper.
TEN MORE FAILED PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS
10. Yoda for Hooked on Phonics: "Help you to read, it can!"
9. Ree-Yees for Alcoholics Anonymous: "BUUURRP! Urgh." (Passes out)
8. Stormtrooper 1023 (Davin Felth) for used cars: "Look, sir, more wreckage!"
7. Stormtrooper MN396 for Gas-X: "Just outgassing. Don't worry about it."
6. Admiral Moti for the Psychic Readers' Network: "You don't frighten me with your sorceror's ways. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't given you clairvoyance enough to..." etc. etc. etc. You get the picture.
5. Emperor Palpatine for Dryer Sheets: "Are you tired of static cling?"
4. Prince Xizor for Sheik condoms: "Get some!"
3. Yarna d'al' Gargan for The Wonderbra...never mind.
2. Darth Vader for Preparation H: "Hemorrhoids do not concern me, Admiral."
1. Jabba the Hutt for Massengill: "Oola, do you ever feel...." No! I can't do it! It's too disgusting! Forget this one entirely. And go take a long, hot, soapy shower. I need a drink. Where's the Sullustan gin...?
Failed Product Endorsemnets by SW Characters
1. Han Solo for Chevrolet "I've made a lot of special modifications myself."
2. Emporer Palpitine and Luke Skywalker for depends for Depends, "Your overconfidence if you weakness." "Your faith in you bladder is yours."
3. Yoda for Depends "When 900 years old you reach good bowel control you will not have."
4. Chewbacca for Sargents flea and tick collars...umm well you get the picture.
5. Porkins for the Air Force "I CAN MAKE IT! I...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
6. Darth Vader for Certs "khooooo, khaaaaa...You don't know the power of fresh breath!"
7. Leia Organa for the Humane Society "Will you get this big walking carpet out of my way!"
8. Luke Skywalker for Isotoner Gloves, every time the camera started rolling he'd scream "I'll never join you!"
9. Lando Callrisian for Colt 45 Malt Liquor...oh yeah, oops!
Top 10 Problems in Yoda's life
10. Next door neighbor's home is strong with the dark side
9. Only dating opportunities involve lizards and snakes
8. You find a kid, bring him into your home, feed him and all he does is whine!
7. The most companionship around is a transparent dead guy
6. being the last of your kind makes the high school reunions kind of boring
5. keep getting dropped by Jedi students who can't concentrate
4. that rotten little Artoo stole the flashlight back
3. his lightsaber is taller than him
2. Frank Oz has cold hands (its a muppet joke)
1. 900 years on this stinking planet and still no cable tv!
Lines you'll never hear Yoda say:
A Jedi whines not!
I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Know not you good grammar?
I have seen the future, and we're never going to make it to episode 7.
What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???
Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at?
Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your freaking mind!
I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves.
Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does!
Get your lips off Leia, she's your sister for crying out loud!
Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it.
Yeah, well oneness with the universe doesn't put food on the plate, junior.
When 900 years old you reach, get as many chicks you will not.
B****, B****, B****, you father never complained, he'd just crush your throat until you agreed with him.
No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.
Does your droid like short little hairy green things?
What am I anyway?
I cannot teach him. Land an X-wing, he cannot even.
Never underestimate the power of the dark side... or duct tape.
Yeah yeah. Force this!
Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they!
No Force? Take this, impudent nonbeliever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke?
Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation.
Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force.
Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you?
Top 10 Bestselling Books in the Empire
10. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Emporer Palpatine (or, Joruus C'baoth)
9. The Painmaker by Darth Vader
8. How to Cheat at Cards - and NOT Get Caught by Lando Calrissian
7. Everything I Needed to Know In Life I Learned - Then Killed Them - by Emporer Palpatine
6. It's Not Easy, Being Green - by Yoda
5. Palpatine and Vader - The Inside Story EXPOSED! by G.M. Tarkin
4. The Vornskr Brief by Talon Kardde
3. So Long, and Thanks for All The Ewoks
2. The Jedi's Guide to the Galaxy
1. Bringing Up Baby - by Darth Vader
R2D2's TOP TEN GRIPES...
10. Jawas that try to touch his "third leg."
9. Lucas' repeated refusal of R2D2's only audible words being "Screw you, 3P0!"
8. Tired of that old fart Alec Guiness's "Pardon ME, I thought it was a trash can" excuse.
7. Saves everybody's butts and gets nothing in return but a good thorough cleaning.
6. Faulty "circuits and gears" donated from 3P0 screwed up self-programmed, wet-n-wild holographic fantasy projection system.
5. Never got the chance to "rough up" that pint-sized, smartass, backward-talkin' Yoda.
4. Doomed to spend entire film shoots stuck with super-geek Mark Hamill.
3. Illicit affair planned with EV-9D9 spoiled by "this whole Vader thing."
2. X-wing droid slot causes itchy rash.
AND THE NUMBER ONE GRIPE OF R2D2...
1. Kenny Baker needs a bath.
TOP TEN FAVORITE MUSIC GROUPS OF THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE...
10. Storm Temple Troopers
9. Smashing Ewoks
8. Jabba Jam
7. Porno for Yoda
6. Vader by Nature
5. 4 Non Jedis
4. Emperor's Melon
3. The Alluvial Nappers
2. George the Wet Sprocket
1. Carbon and the Freezers
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR EPISODE 1...
10. The Good, The Bad, and the Jedi
9. In the Line of a Landing Shuttle
8. A Few Good Wampas
7. Anakin Skywalker and the Emperor's Lost Underwear
6. A Fistful of Thermal Detonators
5. Scent of a Wookie
4. Bodies, Rest, and Yoda
3. Maximum Obi-Drive
2. Take Ewok on the Wild Side
1. Jabba the Hutt's Sweat'n to the Oldies
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